iPood

I recently bought an iPod home for the back of my toilet, so that now I can listen to music while I take showers. Then, the other day while defecating, I had a great idea. Before I go into it though, I want to patent my other great idea, the toilet app for the iphone, so that I can sue Apple when they inevitably create it.

But my first idea has nothing to do with that. I thought: Wouldn't it be cool if I installed a motion sensor on the inside of my toilet so that every time I go to the bathroom I'll get theme music? The answer is yes, it would be very cool. So I started thinking about what music it should play. My first thought was that it should be something epic, like the soundtrack to 300, that way I would feel really accomplished every time I used the toilet. Then I thought, what about John Mayer, mostly because his name is John, but also because I like the idea of my toilet telling me that my body is a wonderland. But wait, maybe defecation theme music is a way to finally get some use out of that Creed CD I bought when I was 12! Yeah, and I could autotune a beat onto it so it would be Creed-rap... or Crap. I finally settled on not-settling and decided that I would go with 'shuffle.' That way, every time would be a surprise, like when you forget that you had a blue slurpie for breakfast.

So, soundtrack decided, I started to consider the technical specifications of my toilet music. Of course, I couldn't have it only play when there was movement, or I would get an irritating stutter-step of song that would sound like Lady Gaga's 'telephone' every time I dropped a sheet of TP into the bowl. No, it would have to start on motion and then play continuously, but for how long? It would be horribly disappointing if the music ended and I was still on number 1 of 2. I suppose I would have to find some way to connect the flush to the stop mechanism. And perhaps I would add some violin music to fade-out. So it would be like the orchestra that flushes away Mo'nique when her speech runs too long at the Academy Awards.

Of course the worst case scenario would be this. I go to a party and, to buffer myself against a barrage of heavy electronic music, I get completely wasted on Vodka and Cranberry. Later, I find myself somehow at home and realize that I need to return liquids to the Earth from whence they came. I double over the toilet, expel the alcohol, and BAM, heavy electronic music. Nothing to drink this time. Except...